GROW Podcast: Interview with Lori: business owner, adoption advocate, Reactive Attachment Disorder specialist, cancer survivor, and more.

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My sister and I both fight the urge to be analytical to the extreme. We are armchair experts at therapy. But this interview is so much more than us analyzing the ins and outs of growing up Midwest “nice” with an emotionally challenged atheist Dad in a home where a lot of feelings got buried. Where does all that unexpressed anger go? How do we know when our feelings aren’t totally irrational?


And other questions like do you trust destiny when your life is on the line? We discuss surviving Stage 3 breast cancer, the violent rage that sometimes comes with Reactive Attachment Disorder and how to protect your other children from it, a miracle pregnancy, anxiety, depression, quantum physics and more. We started off by picking up the thread of a chat we had already been having… How we filter our own emotions…. to see if it’s valid before expressing it and then expressing it in a way that won’t ruffle feathers. WAKING UP is hard sometimes. This conversation details the inner process we all at some times go through to give ourselves permission to feel. Check out Lori’s work at Red Thread Learning.



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Here’s the breakdown:


2:40 Emotions…when are we being unreasonable?


5:00 A brain on a stick..when our minds and bodies aren’t connected


6:45 Letting our emotions past the gate of analysis: is the feeling warranted?


7:25 Which emotions are we repressing? Joy is a big one


9:00 Would you rather have a life filled with big highs and lows or something stable in the middle without any extreme highs?


10:30 Seasonal depression, welcome to thinking about mortality and DEATH


12:00 Having a baby brings thoughts about mortality


14:00 When your parent raises you to live life afraid


14:20 WATCH OUT FOR SHARKS AND RIPTIDES


17:20 My mom could maybe use some safety precautions


19:30 We want to know our feelings and experiences matter


22:00 A submarine of women on their periods is not bound for doom


22:30 Does it matter if a person’s unreasonable since you have to deal with it either way?


24:45 There’s usually a need under the anger


25:30 Fear is the flip side of anger and our survival used to depend on being accepted by the tribe


27:00 When even admitting or expressing that you’re angry is a problem


28:00 Birth Story and the back story starts here


28:30 What happens when you discover stage 3 breast cancer when you have a one year old and have just moved overseas


30:00 Life turns upside down


31:30 Docs say breast milk does not contain cancer from the breast, but chemo passes through breastmilk


32:15 Dad with some supportive words


34:00 Going into surgery thinking you’ll have both breasts coming out, but things don’t always go as planned


34:30 Lori is told that getting pregnant would kill her


35:00 Lori starts thinking of adoption: the oncologist doctor says – you shouldn’t think about the future because you probably won’t be here- thanks Doc


37:30 Two international adoptions and Lori gets those tubes tied


40:00 Miracle pregnancy


43:30:00 We don’t know if it will kill you..it might, we don’t know


45:00 Being pro-choice does not make the decision of abortion easy- even when death is on the line


49:00 Faith v. logic….winner=faith


51:00 Telling Dad about a pregnancy he didn’t approve of…my sister gets hung up on


53:00 My dad couldn’t have been any worse at this and, by the way, NEVER tell a pregnant woman she’s not thinking clearly because she’s pregnant


56:00 Unthinkable to make others angry


58:00 The stress of the possibility of recurrence sticks around


58:30 It’s ok to lose a breast if it means you’re alive


59:30 No pressure, but your babies brains are affected by the state of the mother during pregnancy.


1:1:30 Concern for who’s carrying the baby in adoption and Red Thread


1:3:00 Illusion of control during pregnancy and the process of adoption means letting go of some control


1:5:30 The invisible Red Thread – we are connected to the meaningful people in our lives past and present and future


1:7:00 Sorrow that adopted kids can feel the pain of not being with the birth family even if you feel you were meant to parent them


1:09:00 Lori came to earth with an outline


1.09:30 Parallel universes, free will, and destiny


1:13:00 It’s possible Kris is nuts


1:14:30 Quantum physics and there are multiple realities existing


1:16:30 All things are connected


1:20:30 Anger


1:21:00 Attachment disorder: when your child becomes violent


1:22:30 Sacrificing your emotions to maintain peace and keep everyone safe


1:26:30 If you come close to me (to bite me), I’m going to assume you want a hug


1:27:30 I am pretending to be calm even if the emotional house is burning down


1:29:00 PTSD, stifling anger messes up the stress response


1:30:30 Trauma informed caregiving: getting professional training because of how attachment disorder was disrupting the home


1:35:00 Where do you feel emotions in your bod? Focusing and saying yes.


1:38:00 It’s impossible to be triggerless and yet sometimes we do it


1:39:00 An uncomfortable feeling is just a thought in your head and a sensation in your body


1:40:30 Depression – accepting it when it happens


A Mother’s Rights #4: You have the right to revise your sex life as needed.

We are four posts into the 15 Mother’s Rights.  Ready for #4?

 

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When I interviewed my mom for my podcast. one of the things she said she wished had happened differently through her early parenting years was that there was more education about what happens to your pelvic floor and your sex life after giving birth.

These stories are different for every woman, but over the course of partnership, pregnancy, nursing, and parenting, our relationships to our bodies change.

Maybe we used to be kind of into our boobs, they used to feel sexy and now they feel like milk dispensers and you don’t want your partner anywhere near them.

Maybe our pelvic floor is like a loose stretched out rubber band and when we have sex, we’re so afraid pee will come out, we refuse to orgasm.

Maybe postpartum anxiety leaves us so stressed that the idea of getting intimate with someone is overwhelming and you’d rather read a book and take a bath.

Maybe you have weight that just won’t come off and you don’t feel like yourself, so how could you possibly want to share your body with someone else?

We have so many insecurities and expectations for ourselves. Adding an expectation that there is a minimum amount of sex we are required to have in order to fulfill our duty is an outdated notion. You do not need to meet a quota. Your sex life is YOUR sex life. If your libido is down and things have changed for you, talk to your partner and make some adjustments. Or get thee to a therapist and talk some more.

It doesn’t have to be a certain way. It is the way it is. Your relationship to your body and your sex life can change and grow. It’s ok.